The Stepparenting Journey -- May, 2008

Solving Nothing, Still Working

We often enter into our steplives with the perceived power of Wonder Woman, Superman and Mighty Mouse combined. We have great hope and focus, full confidence in our abilities, our patience and our strength – superhuman even.

And often we succeed! We’re able to have a refreshingly positive influence on our families and serve as intermediary, peace broker, and stabilizer for those around us. Sometimes, though, being able to solve the problems around us is like flying off the tallest building without a magic cape in sight. Not gonna happen.

Sometimes the problems our families face are problems no parent can solve – bitter ex-spouses who plan to stay that way, geographical constraints that make parenting sad and hard, young adult children with self-destructive tendencies. We’ve learned the lesson fast: so very much is out of our control.

What does your list of problems out of your control look like? Is it affecting your marriage, your health, perhaps your job? Here are a few tips that might help:

Think supporter, not solver. How can you support those hurt by the problems? Sometimes our focus is better served there than in trying to attack the problem. Your husband may be troubled by his kids’ behavior and especially if they’re old enough, there’s little either of you can do to change it. But you can be supportive, not judgmental. You can listen and offer advice without trying to take over and “fix” everyone. You can be a quiet source of strength your husband and family need.

Think present, not past. We can’t change anything that’s already happened, superhero or otherwise, so dwelling on others’ or our own contributions to the problem won’t help. What might help is taking the opportunities before us each day to focus on growth and forgiveness, to refuse to fall into old patterns that only make things worse, to practice what we learn one day at a time and expect no more from those around us. Every day gives us a new and better grip on ourselves and our world – we start fresh and leave the past in the past.

Think adaptation, not abandonment. We all have those "things we cannot change” in our lives, step and beyond, but we continue to work to make things better as long as we don’t give up and abandon all hope. We can resist the urge to throw our hands in the air and swear “she’ll never be different.” we can refuse to let the problem “tail” wag the life “dog” we cherish. We can adapt our approach to the difficult people in our lives, adapt our focus and shift from the negative to the positive, to what brings us joy. We can adapt to the problems around us without letting them overtake us or pretending they don’t exist. As long as we keep doing our best, we have hope, and that’s powerful.

Think goal, not problem. We’ve talked about this before – to reframe the problems in our lives that we can’t control as goals that involve behavior we can control. You can’t make your stepkids’ mom tell the truth, but you can work to create an atmosphere of honesty and integrity in your home. You can’t make your husband stop his kids’ manipulation, but you can work to improve your relationship with them and refuse to allow your values to be compromised. You can’t make problems go away, but you can work to lessen the impact and fallout on yourself and your marriage.

Clearly, all this work on our part takes time, energy, commitment, consistency and – did I mention – time?? Complicated problems invade our lives, but our lives are still worth living, our marriages worth saving, our stepkids worth our investment. Little steps on our part won’t solve every problem today, but they can’t hurt. That’s a start.

Need a little help right now? For only 49 cents, check out our Amazon Short:

In the paper . . .

I was very honored this week to be part of columnist Sarah Hampson's tribute to stepmoms in Canada's largest newspaper, The Globe and Mail. It's a great read, so when you have a moment, check Happy under-appreciation day: Celebrating the stepmom. And Happy Mother's Day for all the mothering you do :-)

The Stepparenting Journey -- April, 2008

Send in the Novocaine

I went to the dentist the other day, just for a cleaning. I'd be in and out in under an hour. No problem.

Well, true enough, I wasn't there that long, but I have to go. back. next. week. I wasn't expecting the bespeckled doctor to summon my return for not one but TWO fillings. And they're not even cavities, but broken fillings from one of the other fifteen times I've had a mouth full of drills and metal.

Why am I boring you with my dental agony, you wonder. Given my history of bad teeth that've all been filled and refilled more often that I've had my hair cut, perhaps I should have just expected Dr. Meanie to find something wrong. But no, I went in there truly expecting to hear a "nice job, see ya in six months, go have some ice cream!" Then when that didn't happen, I was none too happy.

I just don't have time for this right now, I wanted to whine. I wanted to pout and stomp my foot like a five-year-old because, well, that just wasn't what he was supposed to say. But being between that too-young-to-know-better and too-old-to-care age, fortunately the restraint of middle-age-spread maturity took over and I stood politely while the sweet little girl in the front scheduled my return to walk the plank. Oh the agony of it all.

My point is that our expectations can create unnecessary trouble for us whether we're expecting better news at the dentist office or better behavior from our stepkids or better understanding from their mom -- or a thousand other things in our steplives that -- surprise! -- don't materialize.

Now, whether I had expected good news or bad at the dentist office wouldn't have changed the outcome, and perhaps our expectations in steplife won't change people or situations there either, BUT we can examine our expectations closely and not fear the outcome of whatever's about to happen, but prepare ourselves to handle it well instead.

Looking ahead to what undersirable developments might crash around us doesn't give us a sour outlook and make us negative nellies. It makes us more calm, more focused, and more effective with what we can* control.

In dealing with our families, things are often less black-and-white that those confounded x-rays of my teeth, more fluid and subject to change. But we can learn to adapt and improvise, and thinking ahead helps us do that a little more effectively.

Preparing for the possibilities means

*being "cautiously optimistic" about those around us [perhaps everything will go great this time, but if she reacts the way she has in the past, what will my response be today and what is the most important point I want to get across?],

*analyzing the situations we face [if the people in this situation with me won’t agree with me or accept my suggestions, what is my next move and how will this effect the next issue down the road?],

*looking for the best way to protect and grow our families through them [if things don’t work out well, what can we take from this situation to make any to come less painful and how will I model better behavior for those around me?],

*and having enough trust in ourselves to make wise decisions [even if I’ve not handled these issues well in the past, what have I learned and what can I do out of love and forgiveness to usher in a better outcome this time?].

A little preparation goes a long way toward making the "going to the dentist" days of our steplives more manageable and less stressful. We can't always create the reality we want (and I’ll soon have two shiny new fillings to prove it...grrrrrr), but we can create our part in it, and we can respond and react with grace and poise.

We can do better than I did when Dr. Meanie made his diagnosis. We can learn from our times of reckless expectations and become masters at dealing with those problems and disappointments that just keep coming no matter how much we do to discourage them.

We can celebrate and enjoy the times that far outshine all we could ever hope to expect, and we can manage and make it through those times that are less than we hoped for. Prepared, we can keep going and keep growing. One day at a time is enough.

Don't forget to floss.

For more on simplifying your expectations, see Chapter 2 of



"The Stepmom's Guide to Simplifying Your Life".

---

Please stop by my new blog project, register to win a free book!

A Stepmom Slumber Party!

Ever think how great it'd be to chill out with some other stepmoms, some sisters-in-spirit who understand how you feel and what your life is like? Well, one of our fellow bloggers, Izzy Rose over at Stepmother's Milk, is planning just such an event August 8-11 in Austin, Texas. Read all about it
here.

Hope you can all be there for each other and have a wonderful time!

Words from a wise stepmom . . .

Hello, ladies, I wanted to alert you to this post from a fellow stepmom who shares from her life what "blending" is all about. I think you'll enjoy:

When Blending Families, Mix Well


Also, check out these tips for us blenders from stepmom Dawn Miller.

See you Thursday with the April edition of The Stepparenting Journey!

The Stepparenting Journey -- March, 2008

Partnership, or Playing Unfairly?

Steplife means compromise and cooperation, and it’s not always pretty. We may feel like we have to accept all kinds of behavior and experiences for the sake of the family, and that happens in some circumstances. But we know it’s best if both partners can work together with respect, give and take, accommodate the other’s wishes whenever possible and keep the good of the marriage uppermost in the fray.

A stepmom wrote to me a while back with the kind of problem that’s not uncommon – the kind where one partner simply does what he or she wants with no regard for the other. The degree of the problem varies, and usually it’s something the couple can work out, but it’s still stressful and in extreme cases can lead to severe trouble. Let’s take a look at this issue . . . .

The husband of the stepmom who wrote to me chose to do something for his grown daughter – something he and his wife had discussed and something he knew would upset her greatly if he did it. Behind her back, he did it anyway. Other stepmoms experience times when their husbands choose to accommodate their ex-wives with no regard to how unfair or insensitive it is to their wives. And then sometimes, it’s the stepmom’s in-laws her husband chooses to please over her.

Again – we all have to compromise and work around issues in a stepfamily and “take one for the team” now and then, but what I’m talking about here is blatant disregard for a spouse because the other puts the spouse’s feelings and consideration way below someone else’s.

Whether it’s grown kids, the ex-wife or his family, whenever one partner does that, it’s saying to the other that he’d rather disappoint or anger her because that’s more agreeable to him than disappointing or angering the grown kid, ex-wife or whoever. Usually it’s a pattern and a habit, and the wronged partner has two choices.

Here’s part of my response to the trouble stepmom who wrote to me. Her specific issue isn’t important – if you’ve been there with a stepchild or ex-wife, you’ll understand:

“You can’t change what’s happened, so you have to decide what to do about it. You can forgive your husband and live with his behavior (expect it to only get worse), or you can forgive him and expect him to stop this behavior (will only happen if hurting you becomes more uncomfortable than disappointing his daughter). . . so far, it sounds like the only person compromising is you, and that’s not good for any relationship.

“In any family, ‘helping your kids’ doesn’t mean that you abandon all sense of reasoning or that you abdicate your responsibility of rearing them just to make them happy. Sure, it’s tough at any age to say no and to force them to face the consequences of their actions, but if you don’t ever do it, the situation you have now is what you get – a grown woman pulling the strings of her father and her father risking his future because of it . . . .”

I know that sounds harsh, but the marriage is what holds the family together. If one partner is more interested in enabling and protecting the feelings of someone else than in the current and long-term effects of damaging decisions to his spouse and in behaving like an adult and taking responsibility for his marriage, this deep divide is what happens. Naturally, the wronged spouse feels betrayed and insignificant because of the other’s choices, and the outlook for the relationship darkens in the inequity of it all.

No one can always come first in any relationship, but when the choice is between respecting and honoring the spouse or the ex-spouse, it should be a simple choice. When it’s between being a strong parent who protects his marriage and his own integrity or continuing to coddle a grown child, it should be a simple choice. Again – we all understand exceptions, but the stepmom who wrote to me -- and you if you’re in this situation -- recognize this as a pervasive issue that doesn’t correct itself. It may take interference in the form of professional help or help from an objective source who can make the offending spouse see how damaging this behavior is, for his spouse, himself and his marriage.

Steplife is tough at any stage, and any time one spouse chooses to act in a unilateral way with no regard for how his spouse will be hurt by his actions – actions which are cowardly and agreed to just to keep from standing up to someone who shouldn’t control him in the first place – he risks his marriage.

If left unaddressed, this kind of behavior can easily become a deal-breaker because it comes down to one spouse choosing something or someone else over the other. It’s important that we look out for this behavior in ourselves as well, always remembering that we CHOOSE how we’ll treat others and allow ourselves to be treated – both crucial choices in any marriage.

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The Stepparenting Journey -- February, 2008

An alliance like no other . . . part two

We all know how volatile the relationship between mom and stepmom can be. Not nearly often enough do we hear of a mutually respectful and cooperative situation where the ladies accept each other, overcome difficulties and work together for something bigger than themselves.

Last month, we met Jill (the stepmom) and Kathy (the mom), the unlikely partners behind the relationship and the blog, The DHX: The Doughtie Houses Exchange. This month, we’ll continue our conversation:

What advice do you have for stepmoms and moms who want to work together?

Jill (stepmom): “Get to know each other outside of your relationships with the kids and the kids' dad. Go to coffee, go to movies, go to lunch. Expect it to be awkward at first. Just get to know each other as people as much as you can in the most accepting way possible.

"What are her favorite books? What are her favorite things to do? Her favorite ways to relax? Her favorite kinds of adventures? Who and what does she love, and why? Find as much about each other to bond over and enjoy as possible. Expect bumps in the road. You two will be sharing way more intimate space than either one of you will find entirely comfortable. Expect to learn. Expect to be vulnerable. Expect to start over. Expect to feel some pain sometimes. Accept it. It is infinitely more than worth the good things that building a sister-like relationship can bring.”

[Karon: I know that ‘awkward’ might not cover it if you tried to spend some time with your stepkids’ mom, but at least keep your mind and heart open to the idea. It’s hard to keep fighting forever.]

Kathy (mom): “Empathize, empathize, empathize. (If it gets tough, realize that she has to live with your ex, and you know what THAT's like!!!) And remember that it's about the kids. If it feels icky, try to get over it. You don't HAVE to be best friends. You don't HAVE to like hanging out, but, boy, if you can get to that place, it's great.”

What advice do you both have for stepmoms who deal with moms who won't cooperate?

Jill: “I might re-think what it means to cooperate. I think it's a good idea for the stepmom to follow the mom's lead. That might be kind of controversial, but the mom is sending you her babies. That's a really big deal. And sometimes cooperating can mean allowing people space and distance and autonomy.

“If a mom doesn't want a close relationship, I think stepmoms are best off respecting that, while still being friendly and respectful from a distance, wishing the mom well, and trying to imagine what it must feel like from the mom's perspective. If on the other hand, the stepmom finds herself in an entrenched conflict with a mom, I would seriously consider the possibility there's still plenty of work the stepmom could do on her own, on herself. I would try to think about how well I was cooperating with her.

"The Anatomy of Peace by the Arbinger Institute is a great resource for seeing conflict in a new way and figuring out what things you might be unknowingly doing to perpetuate the problems that are stressing you out so much. That book helped me a LOT. More than anything else, though, I would say empathize, empathize, empathize. Try to see the world from her perspective."

[Karon: We talk about one of Jill’s points a lot here – about checking our own temperature and learning to control what we can, beginning with our own emotions, actions and reactions. That’s good advice in any situation.]

Kathy: “The question goes both ways, of course. I think for every stepmom who has a mom who won't cooperate, there's a mom who thinks the stepmom is being unreasonable. No one has any claim to being the ‘better’ side. It's like any other relationship and the first thing to realize is that it IS a relationship. You and this other woman are linked. Neither of you chose it to be that way. Neither of you particularly likes the situation. But you're in it and it is something that CAN be made to work, just like any other relationship.

“The key, as with everything else, is communication, compassion and a sense of humor. Despite all the stereotypes to the contrary, I don't think many people are really truly evil. Everyone has reasons for what they do and why they do them. You may have radically different value systems and your history may have included inflicting a lot of pain on each other. There's a lot going against you, but it really helps to try to get into the other woman's shoes. Luckily Jill and I wear the same size (literally), but it works as a metaphor as well. If you're not lucky to be well matched, that will require more work and more growth on both parts.

“Either way, it's challenging… no argument. But the kids are worth it and, bottom line, they're what's at stake here… not your comfort zone."

[Karon: And your comfort zone will be a lot more comfortable with a little peace in your life, so allow yourself to change and grow each day as you seek more understanding, patience, forgiveness and wisdom – for yourself and those around you.]

How about for the reverse situation? What advice would you give to moms who deal with stepmoms who won't cooperate?

Jill: “I would give the relationship time to develop. Be patient. Be friendly, kind, respectful, and try to understand how the world looks from the new stepmom's perspective. I don't think anyone is ever prepared for the shock and level of challenge that becoming a stepmom brings. [Karon: No arguments here.]

“We don't always show our best sides when first confronted with this incredible level of challenge. It's not the same or comparable to becoming a parent by birth. Have faith in her and in yourself. Forgive, start over, rebuild, as often as it takes. And just like for the reverse situation, empathize. Try to see the world from her perspective. Try to avoid labeling her or dehumanizing her. It's really hard to be a stepmom, especially at first. Support her. Listen to her if you can. Express faith in her.”

Kathy: “Give it time. Time helps a lot. Realize that she's trying to make a new relationship work with someone whom you know, from experience, is not a perfect person. Give them both some space and some understanding. If she's interfering with your kids, though, and the kids are suffering, I can't advocate anything other than doing what it takes to make sure the kids are OK. I've heard of step mothers actually hurting the kids and my blood boils at that.

"So all this talk is nice if the kids are OK, because the point is to make and keep the kids OK. Don't let your own anger whisper malicious stories in your ear. Don't let your bitterness see things that aren't there. Keep your integrity scrupulously intact. Check your anger at the door. If, after long thought and deep introspection, you still think the kids are suffering, and if you think WWIII between their parents is going to be actually better for them than the current situation, then do something about it. The kids come first. That goes the other way, too . . . if the bio-mom is hurting the kids, something needs to be done. No one is exempt from this.”

How did your website/blog come about, and what is your goal with it?

Jill: “We were talking in a coffee shop one day about big things that we wanted to do or that we wanted to be able to do for the kids that we both wished we had more money for. We'd both been playing with the idea of asking the other one to collaborate on a writing project. That was the first time either of us spoke the idea out loud to the other one. The idea of wanting more money for both houses was what got us started talking about it. We decided to start with a blog, and to eventually write a book together. It's been a very rich experience collaborating on our blog -- it's been this wonderful free, exciting, open feeling project. It's funny that it took a money conversation to get the ball rolling because it's so rewarding as it is. Which is great. But we still plan on publishing a book."

Kathy: “I come from a writing and publishing background and Jill is a passionate blogger and technology maven. It was a really natural place to go. We were talking about how grateful we were that we had made it through the dark times and were collaborating on how to go forward with the practicalities of our lives, and then this little thought bubble appeared over both our heads. It was the same thought, but hers read ‘Blog’ and mine read ‘Book.’

“The blog is an obvious proof of concept to see if we had anything to really offer the world, and so far the response has been amazingly validating. It's kind of unbelievable how rooted in the stone ages this particular relationship (mom and step-mom) still is. People are changing in all sorts of ways, socially -- open-mindedness about who can marry whom, expansion about living outside the bounds of matrimony, but when it comes to ‘divorce’ and ‘re-marriage’ and ‘the Evil Stepmother’ and the ‘Bitch Ex’ suddenly, collectively, we're back in the 1950's. It's time to change all that.”

[Karon: I hear from stepmoms all the time who run into a headwind of opposition and downright condemnation from their family, friends or church. Hey – none of us is perfect, we all need grace and support to make these scary and complicated lives work. At least we can help each other and do our best to set an example for those who follow in our footsteps. We can reach out in understanding and humility, manage differences, and learn from our mistakes. We can do our best each day, and that’s enough. Your best today may be to withhold a sarcastic comment or snap judgment when your insides are screaming. It’s a start. Let’s all do what we can today. And then do it again tomorrow.]

Anything else you want to add?

Jill: “I think what so many stepmoms crave is validation. You're walking into a situation where people are inclined to think of you as a little bit of a bad guy before they even know you. And you're in this incredibly complicated, deeply challenging situation which you probably have very few skills for handling at first.

“You probably think of yourself as basically a good, nice, kind, well-meaning person. And all of a sudden, from all directions, you're seen through this new lens, and feeling judged, and asked to do new, hard, things for the first time solving problems on the fly and falling down on your face constantly, and just not knowing what to do, and doing the best you can which isn't anywhere remotely close to good enough.

"That's the sense I get from stepmoms all over the internet, and that's how I felt at first, too. I really lucked out in having Kathy as my partner. She is flexible, warm, open, willing to keep showing up and trying, and willing to start over and over again. I love her.”

[Karon: Ok, Jill – can we all please clone Kathy? Takers, anyone?]

Kathy: “I think the thing for everyone to remember is that the bio-mom is living in a place of broken dreams (with regards to the marriage in question) and the step-mom is living in a place of new dreams. Those are very different places to be coming from, but we've all been on both sides of the table. So try to respect and remember what that other state of being feels like.

“Obviously it's more fun to be in love and looking towards a rosy future. As a mom, it's sometimes infuriating but, seriously, we all want to be there. Hopefully she'll be able to see where you're coming from, too. In the final analysis we are all more than just our labels. Jill is far more than ‘the other mom,’ the ‘new wife’ or even ‘good friend.’ She's complex and funny and tries hard and wears many different hats.

“Over and above all of it, we are just two people who have found ourselves in the same lifeboat. It's going to be a long journey. Why not chuck the baggage overboard, break open a bottle of something refreshing, and get on with the trip?”

In a perfect stepworld, we wouldn’t even need to be having this conversation, but there are families out there needing to grow, wounds needing to be healed, and children needing to see the adults in their lives behave with wisdom, integrity and compassion. It starts with you, with me. It starts when we’re willing to be more of the solution than the problem. It can start today.

Special thanks again to Jill and Kathy for their time and inspiration. Please be sure and stop by their blog and say hello. Thanks for reading. Take care. Wishing you many blessings always!